As a former dependent, pet owner, and after-school-snack eater, I have some advice to share with parents on how to raise their children.

First, mealtime.  You may be shocked to learn that you’ve been missing the secret pancake ingredient this whole time.  Ask yourself, “Do I make pancakes that will make my kids big and strong?”  Well, is there tofu in your pancakes?  I didn’t think so.

On to drinks.  Forget apple juice and grape drink.  Cool parents everywhere are making the hip and oh-so-medicinal kombucha mushroom tea.  It’s not nasty like the twerps your kids bring over are claiming.  What are they doing in your pantry anyway?

And guess what ‘you have a sweet tooth’ means.  It doesn’t mean that you like candy.  It means that you want some.